Joseph Wallack



So as to further my ambition of being hailed as THE messiah, I urge you to consider the following: 

 Why not hail me as your messiah?  Well, why not? Consider my qualifications:

1. I definitely exist, so you who would worship me during my life (I do not claim to be immortal) need not waste time debating my existence. 

2.  I can predict many things about the future.  All of my prophecies about the past (the fall of the USSR,  the fall of  Constantine's city to the Turk, the Gulf war, the stock market, the Yankees victory, the last twenty winning lottery numbers etc.) have come true, and none of my public prophecies has been shown to be false.  I can tell you exactly when the next solar eclipse will be, and can foretell the fall of leaves from trees. So why not me as your messiah?

3.  My motives are pure.  I won't make you do stuff you do not want to do, I will not make you feel bad and, if you are reasonably young, female and very attractive, I might even make you feel good about worshiping me.  And I promise you won't end up in a burning building on the prairie somewhere, or on a mountain top surrounded by federal agents.  Your worship of me will never be worthy of note on the pages of our tabloid press.  So why not me as your messiah?

4.  I am a good role model, as I do not smoke anything, am kind to children, domesticated animals and obey all laws pertaining to currency transactions, firearms, and so forth.

5.  I am well spoken and well spoken of.  Indeed, you would be proud to have me as your messiah, no matter your pre-existing religious orientation.  The worship of me as your messiah is perfectly compatible with all known standard religions of amenable people.  Nothing to apologize for here!

6.  I am not the devil, so by worshipping me, those who worship me would be at no risk of inadvertently worshipping the devil.

7.  I can turn flour into bread and use it to feed humanity.  I can walk on very cold water.

8.  Suppose that I am the messiah and I posit that the only way to get to heaven after you die is to worship me in life.  Further suppose that either the statement is true or there is no afterlife.  If you worship me and there is no afterlife, well, nothing lost there, right?  But suppose I am the messiah, and you have not hailed me as such? Where does that leave you? Exactly!  Why take such a risk?

9.  If a real messiah shows up, I'll hail him as such and quietly get out of the way.

10. So come on, worship me!  I call upon all beautiful young women (of legal age, of course) to e-mail me with all sorts of personal information so we can get this Messiah adoration project underway. I tell you the truth; I promise you won't be sorry―honest!!!