WHY NOT ME AS MESSIAH?
So as to
further my ambition of being hailed as THE messiah, I urge you to consider the
following:
Why not hail me as your messiah? Well, why not? Consider my qualifications:
1. I
definitely exist, so you who would worship me during my life (I do not claim to
be immortal) need not waste time debating my existence.
2. I can predict many things about the
future. All of my prophecies about the
past (the fall of the USSR, the fall
of Constantine's city to the Turk, the
Gulf war, the stock market, the Yankees victory, the last twenty winning
lottery numbers etc.) have come true, and none of my public prophecies has been
shown to be false. I can tell you
exactly when the next solar eclipse will be, and can foretell the fall of
leaves from trees. So why not me as your messiah?
3. My motives are pure. I won't make you do stuff you do not want to
do, I will not make you feel bad and, if you are reasonably young, female and
very attractive, I might even make you feel good about worshiping me. And I promise you won't end up in a burning
building on the prairie somewhere, or on a mountain top surrounded by federal
agents. Your worship of me will never be
worthy of note on the pages of our tabloid press. So why not me as your messiah?
4. I am a good role model, as I do not smoke
anything, am kind to children, domesticated animals and obey all laws
pertaining to currency transactions, firearms, and so forth.
5. I am well spoken and well spoken of. Indeed, you would be proud to have me as your
messiah, no matter your pre-existing religious orientation. The worship of me as your messiah is
perfectly compatible with all known standard religions of amenable people. Nothing to apologize for here!
6. I am not the devil, so by worshipping me,
those who worship me would be at no risk of inadvertently worshipping the
devil.
7. I can turn flour into bread and use it to
feed humanity. I can walk on very cold
water.
8. Suppose that I am the messiah and I posit
that the only way to get to heaven after you die is to worship me in life. Further suppose that either the statement is
true or there is no afterlife. If you
worship me and there is no afterlife, well, nothing lost there, right? But suppose I am the messiah, and you have
not hailed me as such? Where does that leave you? Exactly! Why take such a risk?
9. If a real messiah shows up, I'll hail him as
such and quietly get out of the way.
10. So come
on, worship me! I call upon all
beautiful young women (of legal age, of course) to e-mail me with all sorts of
personal information so we can get this Messiah adoration project underway. I
tell you the truth; I promise you won't be sorry―honest!!!