ALL RIGHTEOUS SHARE IN THE WORLD TO COME
Shoshana Zakar 1
A letter to an unmet friend written January, 2001
A
friend asked me to write to you. Though you don't know me, I hope you will read
on...
My
friend told me that you had decided to convert to Christianity.
I
was a fundamentalist Christian at one point in my life. Mostly
Baptist and Assemblies of G–d.
I
can understand the feelings of such moments, I hope, better than those who have
never "been there".
One
of the loneliest, darkest, and difficult places we can be is when our souls
feel apart from G–d. There were times ― just before I became a Christian
― that I wanted to die from the hurt of what felt like being alone, with
no one whom I could really trust enough to understand. I was looking
desperately for a water to quench the burning. I knew about Judaism. Not much,
but up to then I thought it was true. Still, it was my friend Tom, a Christian,
who seemed to be the one who could offer me an answer. In a few days, I had
accepted the Nazarene as my saviour and became a
Christian. And to be very honest, I felt like a great burden had been lifted
from me. I felt like at last I knew what truth and love was. Tom introduced me
to a lot of Christians, and they all seemed very warm and caring. I truly felt
that I had finally found the answer.
I
would not be at all surprised if you have had something of the same experience.
The feelings are very real. And your desire to quench a deep thirst just as
real.
But
what I found out, in time, is that feeling is not enough. It is very possible
to fall in love with that which is false, and in so doing to miss the deeper
love that we can share with our True Love. Thinking we are in love with G–d, we
follow our feelings ― and whatever feeds them ― only to realize
that somehow we've turned our backs on G–d. It happened to me and it was not
easy for me to see what I had done. It was so wrong
―
but it felt so right.
Yet,
even though I had turned my back on G–d ― when I understood, and turned,
I found that He had been following close behind all along ― just waiting
for me to return.
I
guess IF I'd been letting my head guide me instead of my heart, I might not
have become a Christian.
If.
But
I didn't see the truth because ― well, because I wanted an easy answer to
the pain. I wanted to feel happy. I wanted it "now". I saw
Christianity as a religion of love, of universal brotherhood, of peace.
And
I bought into the ideas Christians planted in my mind that Judaism was
legalistic, parochial, narrow―minded and harsh,
whose G–d was strict and severe.
Strange, in retrospect...
Judaism,
after all, teaches that all righteous people share in the world to come, that
suffering in the afterlife is limited to what it takes to purify us to fully
receive the good that G–d showers upon us, and that G–d forgives over and over
and over again ― all we need to do is ask with a sincere heart. Judaism
teaches that the essence of the soul is so pure that it is a part of G–d
Himself, and that our task is to reveal the G–dliness
in Creation. G–d, Who gave us commandments, not to
make us suffer, but rather to show us how to re―weave
the beautiful and intricate spiritual tapestry that envelopes the universe. To
be His partners in making it all happen. Maybe because when you really love
someone, you let them share in what you do.
And Christianity? There are good, kind Christians. Christians with
a share in the world to come. That I do not argue. But
Christianity itself? Only Christians go to Heaven. The rest go to Hell. Even children. Even those who suffered the
horrors of the Holocaust. Even my mother and father
and brother. And not just a Hell of purification ― an eternal
damning Hell with no hope of return with Satan as
master of eternity. And Satan ― I didn't see it then, but rather than
knowing G–d as the only true and infinitely powerful being, somehow Christianity
puts him in a power struggle with G–d. A significant one.
But how can there be ANY real power except G–d? Peace? I guess they wanted me
to think of Christianity like a lasting manger scene. I did at first. But I
guess eventually even I couldn't excuse the Crusades and Pogroms as acts by
people who "weren't real Christians". No....they were Christians
― so legalistic and harsh that they would kill rather than to permit
another to believe in G–d in a different way.
When
we want to believe something very badly ― as badly as I did ― we
tend to deceive even ourselves. I could have seen all that ― but I didn't
want to look. And even when I did want to question, I felt like there was no
one who would ― or could ― really understand.
And
IF some of this strikes a cord in your heart, then I beg you ― please
― give yourself a bit of space to consider what is really so, to separate
feeling from truth, to know which direction is the one that truly leads toward
G–d. I hope that at least in this you will not doubt, that G–d will not hurt or
condemn one who seeks Him with all her heart and soul. He will, I promise, give
you the time you need to learn how to embrace him.
I
don't know if any of this is what you are feeling. I am only speaking from the
heart to a sister whom I have not had the honor to meet. I just want to offer
to be a friend. Someone who ― though I may see things
differently because of where I have been ― is willing to listen and talk
with you. If you want to.
May
your way be blessed and your path be true.
Footnote:
1. Shoshana Zakar is co―author of Judaism OnLine:
Confronting Spirituality on the Internet with Dovid Kaufmann